Tag Archives: stay at home mom

My little bird, I love you

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Mom and Jax, Day 3

“Six months ago today, at 11:05am, our little angel was born. Little did I know what love was and little did I know what she would offer me, and the world..”

This is the status on my Facebook page right now. It’s hard to believe that my little bird is 6 months old. I’ve been thinking about her growth, her journey over the past week or so, but it really hit me last night how much I love her and how much my life is changing because she is in it.

For those that are reading this blog and haven’t read any of my pregnancy blogs, I can tell you that I was really scared about becoming a mom. I’m “older” (now 39) and had my life. Although I always wanted a family, that proverbial “clock” never seemed to be ticking for me, no less the alarm going off. I finally determined that it probably wouldn’t go off and I just needed to go for it before it really was too late. The process of getting pregnant was not a fun one as we had to go thru a few IUI processes for Jackie to come to us. In the end, it was all worth it, but when someone goes thru that process, a lot of the time you tend to get a bit detached from what’s going on as it seems so technical. For example, I know more about pregnancy and how to get pregnant that most moms that have gotten pregnant naturally. Because of all the attempts, drugs and research, it’s just part of the gig.

And fast forwarding to the end of the pregnancy, there were so many classes to take and preparation, the bonding process, at least for me, was really tough. It honestly wasn’t until about week three that I felt truly connected with Jackie. I can say it was scary at first asking myself if I would bond with this baby and doubting whether I would be up for raising her, but in the end, everything turned around, she was an angel and it was one of the easiest things I had to do.

I can think back and it doesn’t seem like 6 months ago when we brought her home… but then on the other hand, it does. All I can say is that she is the best baby in the world, hands down. I’m sure most moms say this about their kid, but this is really the case. 🙂 She has made my life easy.. as far as taking care of a baby is concerned. After I started understanding her cues (which was at about 6 weeks), it was like we were a fine tuned machine. I always wondered how moms just “knew” what was going on with their kids when they cried. Now I know. There are different cries. Other people wouldn’t be able to determine the difference, but that baby’s mom can. From there, it was just getting me up to speed–finding a way to not feel isolated, creating what a stay at home mom looked like and looking at the reality of not going back to work as a career woman. I do have to say it was hard, not to mention Winter came much too fast.

But as the weeks went on, and I got to know Jackie, she gave me the sun in my life that I was missing. The smiles came, she started to recognize us and her personality was arising.. and then.. the laughing. I can tell you, there wasn’t one thing that could EVER cheer me up when I was down.. I’m telling you, nothing (bless my DH), but when I hear Jackie laugh, there’s nothing stopping my mood from changing. She’s a crazy, happy baby and loves laughing.. and it reminds me how much I used to laugh when I was younger.. and how I need to bring that back into my life.

They say that God only gives you as much as you can handle and in the beginning that sure was the case. But I think now, in some way, I’m being rewarded. I’m not sure for what as I always thought I was being punished for some reason (for every time I failed, etc.), but here I am with this baby that loves life, is so smart, and loves me unconditionally. Do I deserve this?

Whether I do or not, there she is–sleeping like a champ, giving me the joy I desperately needed, and showing me what unconditional love is all about. I feel I could go on and on about her, but I’ll stop here.

Jackie, 6 months

I love you, little bird.. and happy half year birthday 🙂

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Inspiration? What a concept

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(Originally written: October 14, 2009)

I just saw that it was exactly a month since I last wrote. Wow. It seems like that was many, many months ago.. it just goes to show that having a newborn has you tethered to the clock and has a day feel like a week in itself.

Yesterday I was feeling somewhat desperate. This happens once and a while. Jax will be crying all day for no apparent reason, and I wonder how I’m going to get thru the day, no less the days following the bad one. So Dr. Phil comes on today (and as an aside, I know people will make fun of me for liking him and watching his show, but for whatever reason, his advice has worked for me on a number of occasions and I like things that work, so there) and show happens to be about “Stay at home moms vs. Working moms.” There was this really uppity woman in the audience that was a “stay at home mom” that was very, very angry. She had opinions, but they really were judgments. She made all the other stay at home moms embarrassed and the working moms pissed off. Go Jessica.

On the show, Heather B. Armstrong was in the audience. She has a blog called dooce.com. I checked it out as soon as Phil mentioned it, as I knew it would probably be flooded with people trying to get on. I looked at the blog and found it interesting.. I haven’t gone back into much of the archives, but seeing that she is an award-winning blogger, I thought it would be “more” than what I see, but again, that was just at first look.

I bring this up as she gave me the inspiration to blog on my current experience–very candidly. Maybe even daily. I have been told by a number of people how great of a writer I am, and I’m honestly not worried about being candid, etc. I also feel that I have a stance on being a mother that not many have–or maybe it’s that we are scared and embarrassed to share so we stay isolated in our houses talking to ourselves or to our babies that don’t even understand English yet.

I just ran this idea by a friend of mine as one of my only concerns was that Jax would see this later in life and it would be tough to read. He said if he saw a blog from his mom later in life, he’d probably have a good laugh reading it. So here we are.

I still need to write my “Breastfeeding Basics: The Real Basics” blog as I think I have an obligation to write it. There are some things in life where I feel I need to let other people know, and in this case new moms who choose to breastfeed, that they are not alone. Usually when I feel this, I did feel alone at the time and due to my research and own day to day goings on, I feel it could help others.

I will write that blog and I know I need to fairly soon as the weeks are passing by quickly and I may forget some of the juicy details. But man, were those 4 of the longest and most challenging weeks in my life–ever.

But I digress.

I know that I’ll have time to blog each day, even if it’s just a paragraph, as you can see from this one, I have a lot of time on my hands. This doesn’t mean that I’m up, eating Doritos all day and watching TV.. it just means my baby is sleeping, I feel awake and I now can interact, even if it’s on a blog or Facebook, with other adults.

I’m at a point now, at 11 weeks today, that I’m feeling isolated. I feel even more isolated than I did when Jax first came home. I think that was due to people checking in all the time, knowing that my husband and I would be on sleep dep, and generally that’s the time when you really need a lot of help. I’m blessed that I got the help I did from a few people and I wouldn’t trade that for anything, but what happens now?

I just completed my first mom’s group last week. I had expectations that were not met, and here I am again disappointed. This happens a lot. I did meet a couple women who I’d like to keep in contact with, but I’m also old enough to know the reality of that. Unless we see each other at least weekly for the next couple months, everyone will have their lives and that will be that. I also found when I was in the group that out of 10 moms, I was the ONLY ONE STAYING HOME. Although I guess I should have expected that due to the economy, I had yet another expectation that didn’t get met. In a room of new moms, I was still alone.

I just reached out on Facebook and to some past colleagues at Berklee regarding what I could do with an 11 week old that didn’t include being stuck in the house. Luckily I got a response from one of my colleagues fairly quickly with some sites to review. I’m hoping there’s a listing for mom’s like me, because if I have to wait another 3 months before I do anything, I think I will be severely depressed. Why is it that most baby groups start at 6 months?????

Maybe writing will help me stay sane. It has in the past, but that was with the “old fashioned paper and pen method.” I still like that method, but I sure can type a lot faster than I can write, so we’ll stay with this bloggy here.

To close for now, a big shout out to Heather for the inspiration, Dr. Phil for having her on and having a show on moms, and my friend D for encouraging me to not care about the future so much and do what makes me happy NOW.

That sounds like a plan.

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