June 6? Really?
I was talking to a friend of mine about my blog(s). Oh yeah, I have one. She was asking me about the sites I have and I explained all the reasons I have my particular ones. This blog in particular is all about my mom related journey. I had been thinking about writing for some time, but July was so crazy. I just went back and saw that my last entry was June 6. How embarrassing.
The point of this “mom blog” was to try to get my name out there.. or at least my words. I feel I’m a good writer and have something to say. I have acquired more hits than I had expected over the months (Thanks Twitter!) and people are still adding me on Twitter due to this particular blog, but alas, I have not written since June.
I could make up a ton of reasons about why I haven’t, but does anyone really care? Bottom line is that I’ve had tons to say, but not sure how to say it. July actually WAS a busy month and a huge milestone as my daughter turned ONE on July 29.
I have much to say on that subject, but went back and forth on whether I wanted to make it public. I wrote her a letter and shared some things with my husband, but this is only the second time in my life (that I can remember) where I didn’t want to share something so personal, intimate. I guess that’s a good thing. Even someone wanting to be public and not really caring how public I could be, there has to be a limit. Although my letter would have been awesome to post, I really want it to be for her eyes only, whenever she chooses to read it.
What I can share is where I am now and how different I thought it would be.
I basically feel the same. I’m not as tired, but feel the same. I love my daughter, she’s fun to be around and I find myself gaining more confidence daily. I thought I’d still be in a rut, not meeting people and/or being exhausted. I guess the exhaustion was there in July a bit, but it was due to being my “old self” as my husband and I were able to catch some local (music) shows like we used to thanks to such GENEROUS friends who babysat for us. I’m still humbled by the people in my life–it’s awesome.
I’m feeling more myself these days–physically and mentally–and can honestly say I have a new emotional outlook on life. I don’t think I’ve said once this entire year that I was depressed as I used to. I think due to the fertility drugs I took more than a year ago, now I really know what depression feels like. I may have had a down day, but due to my daughter, I just plowed through it as I didn’t want her to read my negative body language and worry her. It actually worked and kept me more “up” than in any time in recent or past history–it’s a great accomplishment.
Now that Jackie is a year old, people ask me “what’s next?” I feel I should have an answer. In fact, I thought I would have a hard and fast one, but the answer these days is “I don’t know.” Part of me wants to go back to work, the other part of me is really starting to enjoy my daughter now that she’s more alert, expressive, communicating and learning. However, I’m clear that I can’t give her all she needs–or at least this is what I’ve told myself for months.
So should I go back to work and find a great day care to basically raise my child? I could and I wouldn’t feel bad about it, but I think there are other options. My next step, as I have said for weeks, is to research what day cares actually do all day with toddlers. I know it depends on the facility, but maybe I could offer her more one on one than a day care could. Play is important, but structured learning is too. I can say, just due to writing this, one of the next things on my list is to ask my mom friends their experiences and also do some internet research to see what I can add at home.
What I do know is that I want her to be around more kids, as from an early age it seemed that she learned a lot from the bigger and/or older kids in the classes I was in. We haven’t been in a class since mid-June so there’s been a lacking there. I know another music class is in order for the Fall.. but what else?
Aside from her, I think it’s also time for mom.. or uh, Kathy, to go to the next step personally. I get inspired by so many people in my life, many who are reading this, and I just need to get in gear. It’s time to dig down to that REAL old self and do some old fashioned time management and goal setting. Some goals are in process but many of them are in my head as usual. It’s now time to get out from under the proverbial rock and get in action. I definitely don’t want my 40th year to come and go without any personal accomplishments. Now, the first goal is to answer the question:
“What do I want?”