This weekend I got a major dose of reality regarding how I feel about my daughter. She’s basically part of my soul now.
I knew I had a major connection with Jax, but it wasn’t until my husband and I had a “staycation” this weekend (thanks to Aunt Babs) that I got to actually FEEL that connection.
I missed her from the minute we dropped her off. She was only to be about 5 minutes away, but two days without her was now feeling like an eternity. Don’t get me wrong.. I’ve had afternoons and probably up to 8 hours away from her, but it was the special times like waking in the morning, naps and putting her to bed that caused me some pain. My heart was heavy with sadness, like when I was in my 20s and broke up with someone. I never thought I would feel that pain again. Although it obviously wasn’t the same context, it definitely was the same pain.
My husband and I had fun hanging out, celebrating his birthday and sleeping in, but honestly, I was waking up at the same time those two mornings and just going back to sleep. The place was quiet and other sounds around the house made me think of her.
This entire expeirnece was one I partially expected, but not at this level. Although I was sad and wondered why I was putting myself thru the stress, I also am so fortunate that I have this type of love in my life–unconditional. And, it was great to reconnect with my husband. It had been over 2 years since we had an entire weekend “alone,” and by today (Sunday), I was actually getting used to our “old life” again 🙂
Picking up Jax, though, was fun and exciting. My heart raced as we drove to go get her. My husband and I were both overflowing with joy. And then to see her, she was excited too wanting to show us all the drawings she did during the weekend and then giving us hugs. She even said “I missed you Mama.” Fairly amazing for an almost 2.5 year old.
I’m glad I had this experience, but wondering what other vacations will be like without her (if we choose to do that) and if it’s even worth the stress. This was such a wild experience as it really took me this long to fully bond with her. I’m not a “baby person” I always say, and although I loved her dearly as she was growing, we had done a few overnights without her and I was just fine. A bit choked up initialy, but nothing like this weekend. I literally lost it the first night and sobbed for a good 15 minutes.
My little Bird is spreading her wings these days. She’s still two, but getting very communicative and independent. It’s cool to watch, but daunting too. I’m wondering if I can keep up with her learning and growth. All I know to do is take her lead and I’ll be fine. I’m just glad that she had a blast with Aunt Babs this weekend and I heard there were no tears. I hope she stays that happy forever.
“Still They Ride” always reminds me of kids and their freedom. I always think of myself riding my bike fast down the road with no care in the world, and as I wrote this, all I could related this song to was Jax.. enjoy.