My little bird, I love you

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Mom and Jax, Day 3

“Six months ago today, at 11:05am, our little angel was born. Little did I know what love was and little did I know what she would offer me, and the world..”

This is the status on my Facebook page right now. It’s hard to believe that my little bird is 6 months old. I’ve been thinking about her growth, her journey over the past week or so, but it really hit me last night how much I love her and how much my life is changing because she is in it.

For those that are reading this blog and haven’t read any of my pregnancy blogs, I can tell you that I was really scared about becoming a mom. I’m “older” (now 39) and had my life. Although I always wanted a family, that proverbial “clock” never seemed to be ticking for me, no less the alarm going off. I finally determined that it probably wouldn’t go off and I just needed to go for it before it really was too late. The process of getting pregnant was not a fun one as we had to go thru a few IUI processes for Jackie to come to us. In the end, it was all worth it, but when someone goes thru that process, a lot of the time you tend to get a bit detached from what’s going on as it seems so technical. For example, I know more about pregnancy and how to get pregnant that most moms that have gotten pregnant naturally. Because of all the attempts, drugs and research, it’s just part of the gig.

And fast forwarding to the end of the pregnancy, there were so many classes to take and preparation, the bonding process, at least for me, was really tough. It honestly wasn’t until about week three that I felt truly connected with Jackie. I can say it was scary at first asking myself if I would bond with this baby and doubting whether I would be up for raising her, but in the end, everything turned around, she was an angel and it was one of the easiest things I had to do.

I can think back and it doesn’t seem like 6 months ago when we brought her home… but then on the other hand, it does. All I can say is that she is the best baby in the world, hands down. I’m sure most moms say this about their kid, but this is really the case. šŸ™‚ She has made my life easy.. as far as taking care of a baby is concerned. After I started understanding her cues (which was at about 6 weeks), it was like we were a fine tuned machine. I always wondered how moms just “knew” what was going on with their kids when they cried. Now I know. There are different cries. Other people wouldn’t be able to determine the difference, but that baby’s mom can. From there, it was just getting me up to speed–finding a way to not feel isolated, creating what a stay at home mom looked like and looking at the reality of not going back to work as a career woman. I do have to say it was hard, not to mention Winter came much too fast.

But as the weeks went on, and I got to know Jackie, she gave me the sun in my life that I was missing. The smiles came, she started to recognize us and her personality was arising.. and then.. the laughing. I can tell you, there wasn’t one thing that could EVER cheer me up when I was down.. I’m telling you, nothing (bless my DH), but when I hear Jackie laugh, there’s nothing stopping my mood from changing. She’s a crazy, happy baby and loves laughing.. and it reminds me how much I used to laugh when I was younger.. and how I need to bring that back into my life.

They say that God only gives you as much as you can handle and in the beginning that sure was the case. But I think now, in some way, I’m being rewarded. I’m not sure for what as I always thought I was being punished for some reason (for every time I failed, etc.), but here I am with this baby that loves life, is so smart, and loves me unconditionally. Do I deserve this?

Whether I do or not, there she is–sleeping like a champ, giving me the joy I desperately needed, and showing me what unconditional love is all about. I feel I could go on and on about her, but I’ll stop here.

Jackie, 6 months

I love you, little bird.. and happy half year birthday šŸ™‚

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About Kathy G

Iā€™m simple, yet complicated. Music is the Soundtrack of my life. I'm always looking for the next best thing and stuff that I haven't heard. I consider myself: Cool, intense, passionate, love people until they piss me off--then love them again. I'm dedicated, honest and one of the best friends you can have (or I do my best to be). Tap dancing is my newest passion. I love my soulmate and husband, Joe, with everything I am. My dreams? This seems to change from month to month, but I'd like to be the following: A Solid Gold Dancer, Contestant on The Gong Show, Madonna for a day, Dance all night at Studio54 in 1978, Travel around with Motley Crue in 1986, Open a kick ass dance club in NYC, Produce an album at Paisley Park, Cause world peace to be possible, be a millionaire so I can give away a lot of money to causes that need it, and win a Grammy. But most of all, I would like to feel at peace and make a profound difference in the world doing something I love.

2 responses »

  1. Thanks for all that, Keith. I do want to respond to the “love” comment as you are right.. I don’t want it to be taken out of context. My husband is my true love and that will never change, but I do have to say, I have different “feelings” of love for different people. I don’t have the same love for my parents that I have for Joe.. and it’s different with Jackie. That’s just me and how the relationships are.. but I do get it, and I do have to say, what I feel for Jackie is DIFFERENT, but not necessarily better. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I did want to clarify, as you made a good point.

  2. I found it impossible to love a newborn.

    Fortunately I was too exhausted and the time to spend much time thinking about it.

    I believe it is possible to love an infant, but the whole lack of language thing was a big drawback for me. Especially when they’re sick… they can’t tell you what’s wrong, and you can’t explain that the medicine will make it better.

    Toddlers are when the fun begins. They move, they respond, they’re fearless. Like an innocent little person that shows up in your house without any baggage (don’t worry, you’ll create the baggage).

    I talked to a new father not too long ago, and he was worrying about a lot of things connected with raising his child. My response to him was, “The fact that you are worrying is all that I need to know… You’ll be a fine dad. We’ve all known parents that never asked these questions, and we’ve seen the children they raised. There are no perfect parents, but the parent that has a clear understanding of the kind of children that they want to raise is going to be alright”

    There’s only one thing that bugs me in your post… “Little did I know what love was “… I know you’re still on those baby bonding drugs, but hearing those kind of statements out of new mothers always annoys me… As a husband, as well as a father, it feels like a mother is dropping one relationship for another. I understand it intellectually, but emotionally it still tweaks me. So, I would caution you to remember his feelings when you make statements like that.

    In my mind, the love you feel for your parents is the same love that you feel for your husband and the same love you feel for your children.

    Love is… Love.

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